How To Be A Social Media Douche Bag

• Sign up for every single social networking site ever. Start with the usual MySpace and Facebook and just branch out from there. Twitter and Plurk. Brightkite and Orkut. The more rare they are the better, cause you're the social-media expert, remember, so you have to be the all over the place.
• Don't forget to add thousands of friends on all these sites. FORCE PEOPLE TO KNOW YOU.
  
• Tell everyone you're an expert and create blog posts about all the great ideas that you came up with and how people look up to you. Remember, you're marketing yourself here.
• Tell everyone how much money you make. But you really don't make a lot of money so make up facts and figures.
• Make sure everyone knows you use TweetDeck.
  
• Crossposting. Make sure your blog forwards to your Twitter and you have your Twitter updates on your blog, and your Facebook shows all your Twitter updates and your Brightkite forwards to your identi.ca and your MySpace bullitens forward to your Orkut page.
• Find other douche bags to promote you. Even if they're not big names like Kawasaki and Scoble it's ok. The point is that you're the little guy that's doing big things.
• Pretend that you know all the big players. Talk to them, comment on their blogs. Don't forget to share links, retweet, crosspost, reblog, rereblog, rewrite, converse, share, create, collaborate, etc, etc, etc.
• Make some podcasts. Speak in abstract a lot.
• Write things about SEO even if you don't know what you're talking about. Quote Matt Cutts and pretend you hang out with him.
  
• Plan stupid meetups where you discuss the same stuff you talked about online 30 minutes before you met. Public coffee shops are the best because you can be seen being important and smart. Don't forget to bring your MacBook Pro, because all experts use Apple products.
• Hire someone to build a website. Make it all flashy and stuff. You can't be bothered learning how to make websites, you're the social media expert, not some shmuck that does coding all day and night.
• Get some fancy business cards with a fancy logo that makes it look like a big corporation hired you to do PR and SEO work. In fact, use lots of acronyms to confuse people to what you actually do.
• Try to be exactly like Wayne Sutton. Actually, you'll have to make friends with him. See, he's black and you don't want to look like a racist. You are the enlightened expert.
• Post videos to YouTube of you typing really fast or ranting on how some startup is going to fail or Scoble isn't doing it right even though you love him.
  
• Don't ever talk about what you actually think. Speak in abstracts and made up technical terms.
• Don't ever talk about what you actually do. Tell people about big conferences, but don't actually let them find out you were never there.
• Read TechCrunch like everyday. Leave comments about how all those startups will never succeed without your help.
• And most important of all, don't let anyone tell you that you don't know what you're doing. There's lots of old media and haters out there that just want to see you fail. But the proof is in the AdSense earnings. Make sure you read lots of e-books and get all the latest tools to maximize your earnings. Even you can market to marketers, you're the social media expert.

Learn more by following me on Twitter: @benmarvin

7 Fake Things About Me

1. I'm a virgin. Yeah, I know it's hard to believe when I talk about all the skanks I've banged, but I've never been that lucky. Just seen a lot of porn. There was one time when I almost banged this hot MILF, but her husband came home right before penetration time. Don't ask how I got out of that sticky situation.
2. I murdered a man once. Ok, so you asked about what I told you not to ask about. Yeah, I had to kill they husband. He was gonna kill me for trying to pork his wife, what was I supposed to do?
3. I don't steal music or movies. Yeah, sure it's easy to download some movies and stuff from The Pirate Bay. But I like to pay for everything. That's why I'm $50,000 in debt cause I just had to own the entire U2 catalog.
4. I have my pilot's license. Yup, I've been flying planes since before I could drive a car. I've logged many thousands of hours in flight and can even fly jet fighters. I once thought about becoming a commercial pilot because they make loads of money, but I couldn't stand the thought of not being able to smoke cigarettes for hours at a time.
5. I eat tacos for lunch every day. It's like a dream come true. I got sponsored by Taco Bell and now they send a hot Mexican girl over to my house every day around noon and she brings me tacos. Then she massages me till I fall asleep for my afternoon nap.
6. I can't count. I ate lead paint when I was 3 years old and now I have brain damage and can't count simple numbers. But I can perform complex equations in my head at lightning speed.
   

Best Things To Do When You're Depressed

• Kill people: Yeah sure, it's illegal or something. But what the hell, you're the one that is depressed, you should be able to do what you want. Use a chainsaw, then claim insanity if you get caught. Tell them it's because of the new Britney Spears CD.
• Pee on things: You're probably depressed because you're a wimp and you feel powerless over your life. Things not going your way? Just pee on things. The cat, a cop car, that homeless guy that asks you for change. Whatever, use your imagination. Gain that power back!
• Harass people on the internet: Sure, this is a kind of lame suggestion and it could backfire. Some guy could get mad and come burn your house down. But whatever, it'll be fun while it lasts. I recommend the forums at Dr. Phil's website or just be like everybody else and troll Digg.
• Drink lots of alcohol: Think this is a stupid idea? It probably is, but what the hell, maybe you'll become the next Hemingway while you're in a drunken stupor. All important people of modern era were alcoholics. Look it up, it's fact.
  

  
  

Why people don't work hard. And Time Warner sucks.

Thinking about customer service jobs always makes me think of Office Space. And the big question of why not just do enough work not to get fired and not a shred more? There are very few careers where you actually do have incentive to work harder. Sales, with bonuses or maybe piecework. And of course, tip-based income. Deadlines are hardly any reason to make your work any better, just on time.
I think really the only thing that motivates people to work harder is money. More money. I really don't understand why more generic jobs don't have ideas in place to reward good work. Almost everything can be broken down into metrics and measured.
I wonder if I just stopped caring about people in general if I could land a sweet call center job at Time Warner. Do they offer free cable as a benefit?
Perhaps that's a small contributing factor to why the economy sucks, people don't work hard enough and they're not efficient.

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Rhyming Guide For Future Twitter Raps

Rhymes with "Twitter": (from onelook.com)

1. acquitter 2. admitter 3. aglitter 4. atwitter 5. babysitter 6. bedsitter 7. bitter 8. blitter 9. bullshitter 10. chitter 11. clitter 12. committer 13. critter 14. disembitter 15. disimbitter 16. embitter 17. emitter 18. fencesitter 19. fitter 20. flitter 21. fritter 22. glitter 23. hairsplitter 24. hitter 25. imbitter

26. intromitter 27. jitter 28. knitter 29. litter 30. manumitter 31. neurotransmitter 32. nitter 33. omitter 34. outfitter 35. permitter 36. pitter 37. quitter 38. remitter 39. ritter 40. salzgitter 41. shipfitter 42. shitter 43. sidesplitter 44. sitter 45. skitter 46. slitter 47. spitter 48. splitter 49. steamfitter 50. submitter

51. titter 52. transmitter 53. twitter (duh) 54. unbitter 55. witter

Unrealistic Things I Would Like To See Before I Die

• A zombie uprising
  
• Humans living on the sun
  
• A sober clown
  
• A midget president
• A job where I get paid to use Twitter
• Miley Cyrus' vagina
• Nuclear war

Ten realistic things I want to see before I die

- A pedestrian or cyclist get hit by a car and fly through the air
- A beer tap at the table
- iPhone Nano
- A naked vagina on network TV
- Twitter thought implants
- A monkey on Mars
- Drive through abortion clinic
- A nuclear powered car
- 18 year old girl and 100 year old woman scissoring
- A purple microwave

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Email I got from Jason. (He's from Shelby)

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-----Original Message-----

From: mcneillyj@bellsouth.net



Date: Wed, 17 Sep 2008 00:02:01

To: Douglas Seamans Jr<d*******carpentry@gmail.com>; Ben Marvin<b*******n@gmail.com>

Cc: Alan Suddeth<a******@mi-connection.com>

Subject: Work tomorrow





Today you left without telling me and you were told last week that we would be working until 5:30 because we had a lot to get accomplished this week, so you were given ample notice to prepare for working late. Due to your actions of leaving early without my consent you will be given the day off tomorrow. This must not happen again because there will be further action taken next time. Everyone else did not have a problem staying and getting the work done. We are all on the same team and we must work as a team, meaning that if the team stays and works you need to do the same. We all want to get home to our famalies, but how can we expect to be paid if we are not producing the necessary work to get orders out and delivered on time. My job at this time is to make sure that all of the necessary things get done regardless of anything going on outside of this shop. Every person in management, including Alan, stands behind me and my decisions. We will all have to make a change to ensure the success of this company.



Regards,

Jason McNeilly